Cracks on the Beach
by FourthFictions
Summary: Will tries to fight his inevitable fate as a fanfiction tool. We all know how this is going to end: with bad humor. Crack, for your entertainment!


**FourthFictions here with a WARNING:** This is a **crack **fiction. It is supposed to be _poorly written, inappropriate, offensive, hilarious, stupid, and have bad language _on purpose_. _Please don't get mad at the pairing; I'm actually a fan of them, I just wanted to use them for crack. Also, this is _satire. _Don't get mad if you've done anything that was parodied in here! I've done half of it too. Thasswhat satire iz.

Now that that's said… enjoy!

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It was a warm, clear weekday and the sun had just gone down; the beach was surprisingly empty and the sunset cast the perfect glow across cooled sand. Unfittingly, Robert Downey Jr. was missing from the scene even though the author loved him in _Sherlock Holmes. _The only two left lingering were a certain redhead and steel-faced set of grim reapers, the former dressed in a ridiculous flouncy pink sundress that he'd just picked up at the surf shop- probably stolen or weaseled from the cashier in return for sexual favours since I don't expect them to have English currency.

"Wheeee, William! Isn't the evening beautiful? I'm so glad we're on vacation!" Grell's hands were clasped, eyes twinkling in shoujo style.

"This is not a _vacation, _Sutcliff," Will said on cue, acting stiff and not making eye contact as usual. "We're here at the beach for soul collection."

…Okay, really? That sounded stupid even to himself. _The beach? _How convenient that such a wonderful and romantic place that attracts attractive young people would have souls set to die. For all he knew, Grell was already searching the beach for whatever would work well as a lubricant. To Will, it was obvious that the author set this up so the two of them would end up doing naughty things under the stars, all the while masking it as the end result of some impractical task of inspecting the sand particles for death ethers or something. But either way… Will planned to avoid this outcome as much as possible.

"Do you like the dress, dear?" Grell asked, interrupting Will's melancholy mental voice and wiggling far too much.

"I guess it's to be expected. You could have spared a few minutes to shave your legs, though."

Somehow completely surprised that his awful boss was yet _again_ treating him… well, awfully, Grell sat down in the sand and cried quietly.

William rolled his eyes. "Oh, knock that off." He had no intention of feeling bad, going over to comfort him and somehow ending up in an X-rated game of Twister; that was exactly what the author wanted.

Grell didn't stop his waterworks- in fact, they became extreme and began soaking into the sand- so Will wandered away to buy a cold snow cone to grasp in his cold hand and brood over with his cold personality. There weren't any because all of the shops that sell cold shit were closing for the evening and trapping Will into spending time with his partner on a secluded part of the beach. After all, if anything happened, nobody could be around to step in and ruin their special moment—

Wait a minute- what the hell? Will's hand flew to his forehead, wicking away sweat he didn't know was there. The fanfiction mentality was coming already. Trying to avoid keeping his mind so open, he turned around and went back to Grell, hoping the pretty boy's nonsense would distract him and maybe he could go home unscathed and pure. [Yeah, right.]

"Ohh, you're back." Grell had gotten over himself and was picking some flowers on the grassy patches by the steps up to the boardwalk. Their petals were conveniently perfect, possibly to represent the innocence he didn't actually have. "These are for you."

Will took them and threw them into the ocean.

Grell stared. "That's not very nice… now listen, because I need to get bratty with you at least once. We can go home and forget this whole thing. It's not like you have any work to do anyway. If you're just going to be a dick, let's head back."

William _was_ just going to be a dick, because that's what first-half-of-the-fic-William does, but he wasn't really listening. He jumped to attention [no, not that way] once he realized he was being spoken to. "Sorry, what was that? A reference to dicks?"

"Erm… no… _for some reason there weren't any of those in the script," _Grell whispered, shrugging. _"There's a part where the wind blows the bottom of my dress up and you get all flustered, but I don't think the author counted on there not being any wind tonight."_

So they sat down and considered the things they could do while waiting for Mother Earth to break wind, like Will unintentionally hurting Grell's feelings and considering being nice, or discussing how in the realm a badass triple-A-scoring young reaper turned into a feeble crybaby.

But during their talk, though nothing between them changed, Will was starting to feel something. It came from nothing, seemingly: inside of him, a little crapper began to overflow with shit. Shit they call _feelings. _For Grell. Unexplained and hot and the fact that the redhead hadn't shaved didn't seem to matter anymore.

And of course Grell was naïve and didn't notice this right away. In fact, he was getting a little bit bored of talking with Will and was starting to think about other characters from their anime, and other animes as well, and the OC's created for their fandom. He wondered how many long-lost brothers and sisters and childhood friends he had.

These thoughts didn't last long when Will stopped talking and suddenly kissed him, forcing him backwards into the soft sand. ERMAHGERD it was great. William seemed like the kind of guy to have a stick up his arse, but even if this sudden skill materialized from thin air, our favorite saucy redhead wasn't complaining. William had probably had plenty of practice from other fanfictions, anyway.

Will had completely lost his train of thought and was now in love with the one guy he hated. How fabulous. He thought his fate could be changed under the hand of the fanfiction writer? I laugh at that notion. Second-half-of-the-fic-William should know better than that.

Just as things were getting steamy, because "waiting" is one word that you will never be able to "Ctrl+F" in any story, they heard someone clear their throat behind them.

Face smeared with ugly lipstick, Will looked up to see who it was.

On the staircase stood another yaoi couple, looking rather distraught and flushed.

"Oh come _on_. We came all the way here to have sex on the beach and you two are here to screw it up. I'm wound tight enough to kill after like six hundred episodes," said the one with black hair. "You Kuroshit bastards ruin everything."

"Calm down Sasuke," said the blonde boy, whimpering instinctively because he had an animal inside of him [not bothering to reword that]. "This is there spot they had it first."

"First my ass, Naruto!"

"No, first MY ass! I'M the uke, we went over this already—"

"HEY now, HEY NOW!" Will stood up and brushed himself off. "Who the hell are you?"

Grell stood up too, cast over with anger. "You two had better scram right the hell now. You have the biggest category on the whole site, so what are you doing in ours?"

"Well are author has a little bit of poor English. He posted in the wrong category… it happens. I'm surprised you couldn't tell."

"I don't GIVE a shit! Get back in your own group!"

"Hang on now," said Sasuke. "We don't have to go just yet do we? While were here we might as well join in on the fun with you—"

"—NO!" Grell stomped his heels violently. "THIS IS _OUR_ FICTION! WE'RE ONE OF THE ONLY DAMN IMPLIED OTP'S IN THIS WHOLE FANDOM. NOW GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I NUKE YOUR BUTTHOLE!"

Unfortunately, Sasuke looked like he might rather enjoy that, so Naruto had to grab his hand and lure him into another part of the world of fanfiction. It doesn't even need to be said that nukes haven't been invented yet, but hey, I just did.

"Now." Grell sat back down, dragging Will with him sensually [?]. "Where were we?"

"Screwing."

"Right."

…And so they did. [Don't expect so much of me.] By the time the sun came up, all was silent- it seemed nobody had happened upon their lewd and sweaty collective state.

…Or at least that's what they thought, until they opened their eyes to find that the silence was due to people standing over them, staring in shock.

"Mommy, why are those two cartoon men lying naked on the beach?" A young'in asked.

"Well honey, I think we just walked into a yaoi fanfiction," the mom said. "Don't you ever get into that stuff, Justin. You'll waste all your money on comic books and fall in love with people that don't exist."

"Oh, yucky!" The kid kicked sand in the reapers' faces and fled with his mommy, probably set for life to become some meathead jock and live in a trailer. [I'd rather be an otaku.]

Will found his glasses and put them on, taking a look at his beautiful new man-bitch. "I can't lose these spectacles. I'm nothing without them… I think it's time we go home," he suggested.

"I agree," Grell said. "And I only have one classic one-liner thing to say to end this fanfiction…" He glared at nothing in particular. _"We are not fucking 'cartoons'._"

**THE END.  
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Why did I waste my time writing this, you ask? Well, because my sarcasm needs an outlet, and because it's 2 in the morning but I swear some creepy thing just crawled under my bed and I can't find it so I don't see myself sleeping anytime soon.

V You can write your feelings down there (even if you're not a member). It's like free therapy! Except it needs to be about what you just read. [Sorry. I'm trying to run an account here, you know.]

**Thanks for reading! LOL**


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